THE DEBRIEFING

         ADMIRAL

     Captain Church, good to meet you at last.

         CHURCH

     Why, thank you sir.   Might I enquire why I have been summoned here.

         ADMIRAL

     Well, Captain. It's just a standard post-mission debriefing. There was 
     some, erm, concern, over some of the entries in your log.

         CHURCH

     As there should be! Why, in our travels, we found no less than twenty
     possible threats against the Empire.

         ADMIRAL

     So you say.  Now, the first of these.  The giant space ameoba.

         CHURCH

     Yes sir, nasty creature it was, we nearly lost our Science Officer over
     it.

         ADMIRAL

     You say it reproduced by splitting itself.

         CHURCH

     Yes sir, otherwise it wouldn't be an ameoba.  Mr. Grayson reckoned it 
     was 10 light-years long, you know.

         ADMRIAL

     And yet you found it on our doorstep - can you explain why our telescopes
     weren't able to pick it up?

         CHURCH

     Ah, sir, that's an easy one - it was invisible.

         ADMIRAL

     So we are dealing with a 10 light-year long, invisible, giant space amoeba
     here.  Do you have any proof of its existence?

         CHURCH

     Ah, that's the thing, you see, sir, all our photographs and sensor logs
     were destroyed by an energy being in the Andromeda galaxy.

         ADMIRAL

     I see - we'll get back to that later.  So, this space amoeba, how 
     exactly did you destroy it?

         CHURCH

     Tricky one, that, sir. Hmm. I think I talked it to death in the end. No,
     no that was the planet-controlling computer I'm thinking of.  Oh, yes, we
     blew it up, that was it.

         ADMIRAL

     Did you try communicating with it?

         CHURCH

     No, sir, because it initiated hostilities.

         ADMIRAL

     Oh? How?

         CHURCH

     It was in our way, sir.

         ADMIRAL

     But was it not the case that you had orders to go to 47 Ursae Majoris at
     maximum speed?  And that this 'giant space amoeba' was not anywhere near 
     there, nor in the way.

         CHURCH

     Ah. I was expecting you might ask that, sir.  I can explain.

         ADMIRAL

     I'm listening.

         CHURCH

     It was vitally important for us to get to sector 10x242x294, as the fate 
     of the entire universe depended upon it.

         ADMIRAL

     How so, precisely?

         CHURCH

     I am not at liberty to say because of my agreement which has kept us all 
     from being invaded. And squashed.

         ADMIRAL

     And the fact that the biggest extrasolar casino also happens to be in
     that sector...

         CHURCH

     A mere coincidence, sir.

         ADMIRAL

     I see.  Now, this incident in October at Sigma Draconis.

         CHURCH

     Ah yes, the theft and return of my Science Officer's brain.  We were
     lucky to recover it, I can tell you.

         ADMIRAL

     Yes, I imagine recovering a stolen brain is a once-in-a-lifetime event,
     if that.  I assume your doctor will be able to explain how he did this,
     and more importantly, explain his actions to the medical ethics
     committee.

         CHURCH

     Sadly no, our doctor has since forgotten how he performed the operation.

         ADMIRAL

     Did he not keep notes?

         CHURCH

     He was more sort of under alien influence when he did it. It's a long
     story, sir. You'd perhaps hear it better from the science staff, I
     was on the bridge most of the time.

         ADMIRAL

     I don't doubt that for a second.  Now, what else have we got here...
     the aliens from Andromeda you mentioned earlier.

         CHURCH

     Ah yes. They wanted to colonise our galaxy and so hijacked our ship
     to take them to Andromeda.

         ADMIRAL

     ...

         CHURCH

     It made sense at the time, sir.

         ADMIRAL

     Very well... so, then there's this planet-killer you destroyed - good work
     there. 

     Would you not agree that it is a little odd that no evidence has been 
     found that planets it 'devoured' ever existed in the first place?

         CHURCH

     It was very thorough in eating them, sir. Didn't waste a crumb.

         ADMIRAL

     And lastly, this business with the antimatter.

         CHURCH

     Yes, the antimatter fellow from the mirror universe who threatened to 
     destroy both our universe and his. We stopped him, though.

         ADMIRAL

     This was the same mirror universe with the evil versions of everyone, was 
     it?

         CHURCH

     No, sir, a different one. This one was just the same as ours except
     matter and antimatter had been swapped round.  At least, that's what my 
     science officer said.

         ADMIRAL

     Ok.  Well, I think that's all I need to cover.  Thanks for your time.  
     Would you send Mr Grayson and Dr Pringle in.

         CHURCH

     Aye, sir.

       (door, etc)

         ADMIRAL

     Gentlemen.

         GRAYSON

     Greetings, Admiral.

         PRINGLE

     Sir.

         ADMIRAL

     You really have to stop these practical jokes, you know.